The day has finally come when I feel like I need to write a personal post. You won’t hurt my feelings if you are here for flowers and decide to forgo this post. I’ll catch you tomorrow with more flowers!
My family has been on a journey for the last couple of years. I wrote about our journey here and here. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I would love for you to go back and read those posts to have some context for the post I’m about to write. I had to go back and read them myself to remember how we got to the place where we sit today.
Early this spring, I began writing the personal post below, got interrupted and never went back to finish it. Our life took an unexpected turn and I wasn’t able to bring myself to finish it…until now. It read:
At My House…
…my days are spent dangling somewhere between elation and fear. Our house (which doesn’t actually belong to us) is filled with life…in every sense of the word. Music is a constant in our world…from LeCrae to Bon Iver to David Crowder to George Strait to Shane & Shane to classical music I can’t even name. All of our guys play guitar and sing. Their individual voices waft through the air at different parts of my day…and I am blessed. We also have preteen, teenager and adult concerns and emotions pulsing through the house. Each one of us has hurts, worries and questions that surface from time to time…and we are learning to live closely and be ourselves and share one another’s burdens…and I feel blessed. We have plenty of dirty laundry, dirty dishes, messy rooms and dirty floors. And, as I allow my mind to drift toward the desire to have a clean house with everything in it’s place, one of the guys appears and I remember that life is not about a clean house…and I feel blessed. We have a perpetual sporting event in motion…basketball, football, soccer, Frisbee…and when it’s not happening outside or at a gym, we watch all of it on TV! Occasionally, I fantasize about…”
Now let me catch you up…
After moving into this house, we had many guests stay in the B&B. We had a college student move into the garage apartment below the B&B. We had a college student move into the house with us. And, of course we had our own two boys at home. One was a Senior in high school and the other a 7th grader. We had 4 boys in our house and it was an amazing experience. I remember telling one of the college guys one day that I had a strong feeling that the Lord was preparing us for a much harder task and having this full house of amazing young men was actually the Lord’s way of transitioning me…because it was outside my comfort zone, but still so fulfilling.
I think my hunch was right. Since the spring, one of the college students graduated and got married, one of the college students moved into a house with roommates, our oldest son left for college and we are down to one boy in the house! What a difference 6 months can make. And here’s the hard part…the next part of “our story” became apparent. The Lord didn’t call us to be obedient to Him by loving another complete stranger or another college student or another person in need. He called us to be obedient in the most vulnerable place…our church. Since I’m not even sure how to describe what has happened in our church since the early spring, I’ll just say that a level of devastation has taken place that has stunned me. It’s devastation brought on by people…not by the Lord. We have devoured each other in a place that should be safe. The hurt has been deep and all-consuming. Because this is the third time in my adult life to witness this chain of events in my church, I’m tempted to retreat and never look back…at the church, not at the Lord. How can “Christians” cause such pain to one another with no desire to allow forgiveness and reconciliation?
I must be honest and tell you that we are struggling to know what is next for us. My only desire is to continue listening and watching for the Lord’s guidance. In the meantime, I’ve decided that I need an outlet for my thoughts…and don’t want to disrupt the “flow of flowers” at the Brouhaha. So you can catch my thoughts on things other than flowers at the Galvanized Garden if you’re interested.
“Anchor of my soul, you’ll sustain. When I’m in the storm, you’ll remain good to me.” -Josh Garrels
Meet you back here tomorrow with more flowers. I appreciate you all more than you know!